My father did not have a lot of rules for your Uncle Perry and me when we were growing up. But he did enforce three specific standards when I was a young man. They are simple to understand. I am sharing these standards with you because I plan to enforce them as well.
- Get a job during the summer.
- Finish college…in four years.
- Live on your own after college.
A few weeks ago I wrote about why it is important that a man works for a living. Next, I explained how to finish what you start despite obstacles. This week I will cover #3. It may sound harsh, but it is important you understand why you will never live with me after you graduate college. You should not even consider it a viable option unless there are extenuating circumstances.
I spent my senior year spring break with my parents
The last spring break you have in college is usually a big deal. Many students take trips to exotic places or party with their friends. I decided to buck the trend and spend my last college spring break at home with my parents. I wanted to be with both of them before heading off into the world. I was entering the Army as an Officer on active duty in June and needed to get some advice from Opa since he spent over 20 years in the Army. He recommended that I go to the Infantry Officer Basic Course in Fort Benning right away rather than wait. No need to waste my last summer traveling the world, partying with my friends, or “finding myself”.
He was concerned I would follow the wild West Pointers
He also noted that if I went to IOBC in June I would get there before all the West Pointers arrived. My dad was a West Point grad and knew that many of them tend to “let their hair down” after graduation which can lead to all kinds of bad behavior. Fort Benning is in Columbus Georgia which has way too many places for young men to get in trouble (e.g., dive bars, strips clubs, and tattoo parlors). I agreed. I had already partied plenty in college. No need to delay getting my military career started. Besides, it would lead to getting a real paycheck.
Opa made it clear I was never living at home again
Opa also told me about his third standard – you live on your own after college. No exceptions. My mom agreed with him. They both loved me but did not want me to ever live in their house…ever. I could visit every now and then, but not actually live there. They were converting my bedroom into an office to help reinforce the point. It is hard to stay if you do not have a bed. All my crap went into the closet and that is where it stayed for years. At first, I was somewhat surprised by this standard. After all, what father tells his son that he is not really welcome back into his house. My dad did. He told me that a man’s place is out in the world finding his way, not holed up in his parents’ basement mooching meals and causing chaos. He was right. I plan on enforcing the same standard with both of you.
I left off on a great adventure
After graduation, I packed up the car with all my worldly possessions and drove down to Fort Benning for training. I was off on a great adventure. I spent almost a full-year at Fort Benning completing multiple Army training courses to include IOBC, Ranger School, Mortar Platoon Leader’s Course, Bradley Fighting Vehicle Course, and Jumpmaster School. I would return home occasionally for a few days but spent most of my free time visiting your mother who was still a student at UVA in Charlottesville. All the training was great. It helped prepare me for my first assignment with the 82nd Airborne Division in Fort Bragg, North Carolina.
My first apartment was in a pretty bad part of town
Fort Bragg is located in Fayetteville, North Carolina. It was a rough place to live. Some parts of the city were really bad. I decided to avoid those sections. Instead, I rented a room in a somewhat shady part of town. My monthly rent was $150 a month which gives you some indication of the place. It did not have air conditioning which was brutal during the summer months. I saw a lot of movies that summer. I did not really care. I was not home much at all and knew I would be moving after your mother and I married. Your mom was a little scared when she visited so I let her know I was looking for a new place to live. We were married in June of 1992.
My first real estate purchase was a mistake
I decided to buy a condo closer to the base for our first home. It was actually pretty nice. Plenty of space in a decent neighborhood. We lived on the third floor. I figured if anyone wanted to rob or disturb us they had to go up a lot of stairs first. Some strange things happened while we were there (e.g., a person was murdered in our neighborhood), but none of it affected us directly. Your mom did a nice job decorating the place with the little money we had. Looking back it was a good first home. I just wish that I did not buy the condo. We should have rented instead. I still own the place, and it is a money pit. It is no longer worth what I paid for it and has required a lot of maintenance over the years. A good life lesson – don’t ever buy a condo.
We moved multiple times in one year
Next, we moved to Fort Gordon in Augusta Georgia so that I could complete more training. Augusta was a nice place, but we were not there long – only six months. I do not recall going home while we were there, or my parents visiting. They were letting me find my way in the world. I rented a small two-bedroom apartment which was perfect for our needs. I was smart enough now to know not to buy real estate unless we were in one place for more than a few years. While there we learned that my next assignment would be overseas in Germany. We were both excited about the assignment. I had been to Germany multiple times before and loved it.
Living overseas was an awesome experience
My first assignment was in Vilseck Germany, a really small town not far from the Czech border. It was a great assignment. We made a lot of new friends and traveled a lot. Many of the friends I made while there are still close friends today – the Hauschilds, Kleinsmiths, and Koprowskis to name a few. Finding a place to live took awhile, but turned out well. We lived in an apartment above our German landlord, Max, and his family. Max was great. His family was super friendly. The government paid the rent and all of the utility bills which made thing easy. We only stayed there 18 months before we moved to Iphofen so that I could become a company commander. Iphofen was even better than Vilseck. It is a German wine village not far from the Army post. We made more friends there and continued traveling. We took summer vacations to Greece, England, France, and Italy. Some of my best memories from my Army career are from this tour. It was a lot of fun despite two extended trips to Bosnia for peacekeeping operations.
I returned home, but never stayed with my parents
We flew back to the states a few times while I was assigned to Germany but I did not stay overnight with my parents. We would only visit. No need to burden them. We would stay with your mother’s parents, not mine. It did not bother me since I never stayed long. Even the trip we took after Gavin was born was short. We were in the states long enough for everyone to meet him. Several relatives visited us in Germany which was always fun, but my parents never did. Long trips are not good for them. Your mom was able to spend plenty of time with her family while I was in Bosnia which was helpful since I was deployed for many months. I appreciate all the support they gave her while I was in the Army. It is tough being married to a military spouse.
Children living at home is becoming more common
Why am I telling you this story now? Because is becoming much more common for children to live with their parents these days. According to this article, one of the striking signs of delayed adulthood is the rising number of young adults who live in their parents’ home – now the most popular living arrangement for young adults. There are many reasons, but I want to make sure it is clear that you will live on your own after college. The only way to learn about the world is to live out in it. You are always welcome in my home, but never for long. If I sound old school I don’t care. It is the Keating way. There are a few exceptions which I will talk about next week.
A third of young people, or 24 million of those aged 18 to 34, lived under their parents’ roof in 2015. More young adults lived with parents than with a spouse in 2016. Almost 9 in 10 of the young people who lived with their parents a year ago are still living there.