Where in the world do I go when the darkness comes?

I stood on the back deck crying. My brother had called. He let me know that Opa experienced a heart attack and was heading to the hospital. We both thought that this might be it for our Dad. It was Father’s Day many years ago, before your mother and I divorced. I thought to myself – he cannot die today. Not on Father’s Day. I was not prepared to deal with this darkness.

We all experience darkness during our lives

Life is hard. Sometimes it is really difficult, especially when we experience darkness in our lives. Darkness can come in many forms. Examples include death, deception, disease, divorce, injury, loss, and tragedy. All adults I know have experienced darkness at some point in their lives. No one is exempt. We all need the ability to deal with darkness, or it can destroy us.

Hello darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

Simon and Garfunkel, Sound of Silence

The older you get the more darkness you see

My experience is that life gets harder as you get older – not easier. I am not saying that your darkest days will happen when you are old. For some, their worst nightmares come from their childhood. I have friends who had to deal with deep darkness before they were adults. My heart goes out to them. Most of my childhood memories are pleasant ones.

Everyone’s life experiences are different

What I am saying is that the older I get the more darkness I notice for myself, my family, and my friends. Some days the grim reaper seems just around the corner. I don’t know anyone who says their life is easy now that they are older. If anything, many of us pine for our younger years back when life was much simpler. Those days are long gone for me. You are living them now.

Getting old is the hardest thing I have had to do in my life.

My dad – a highly decorated Vietnam veteran

Now that I am older I am better prepared for dark days

You get better at handling difficult situations simply through experience. That is how life works. Years ago when my brother called me about Dad’s situation I was not well prepared to handle it. Now that I am older I am better prepared for dealing with dark days. I have a much better sense of what coping mechanisms help me get through a valley. Below are a few that I am comfortable sharing with you boys.

Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.

Psalm 23:4

I go for a run to clear my head

I think better when I run. I cannot explain why. There is probably a scientific reason for it. All I know is that running helps me think about things – to process my life. When I receive bad news I will go for a run to clear my head. It may be a tough day at work, the death of a loved one, or some other setback. For me, running is a critical coping mechanism.

Physical activity prepares me to tackle tough times

The day my dad almost died I went for a run around the neighborhood. I cried almost the whole way. It was an ugly run. I was a hot, sweaty, snotty mess. Probably scared a few neighbors along the way. But it helped me process what was happening so that I was prepared to help when I arrived at the hospital. The emotional release was necessary.

I listen to uplifting music

Music is a powerful force in my life. Whenever I find myself in times of trouble I listen to uplifting music. Switchfoot is one of my favorite bands. Their music is inspirational and helps get me through tough days. Both of you like music. I recommend creating a few playlists that you can listen to when dealing with difficult situations. It helps.

I reach out for friends to lean on

I learned the hard way that it is best to get help from others when dealing with darkness. When I was young I preferred to face dark days alone. That was a mistake. Nowadays I reach out to friends when tough times come. Their love, support, and help are always tremendous. Don’t be stupid like I was at your age. Get help when you need it. Don’t face the darkness alone.

Many friends helped over the years

The list of family and friends who have helped me in tough times is too long to list here. I will simply highlight a few. My brother and mom have been a tremendous help in dealing with my Dad’s health challenges. My Dad, mom, brother and several close friends helped carry me through the divorce. I cannot imagine how much worse my life would be now if I did not ask for help back then. It was tough and I was a mess. I was running a lot.

I talk with my heavenly father

You both know that I am not a great man of prayer. In fact, I struggle to maintain a consistent prayer life. I have written about this challenge before. Having said that I am smart enough to talk with God when I need help dealing with darkness. He is there. He loves us. He wants to help us. I prayed multiple times the day I thought my dad was going to die. I felt better after each time I did. Be sure to talk with God when you are scared. He always listens.

My phone rang early yesterday morning

A close friend of mine called yesterday morning. He shared tragic news. He and his family are dealing with darkness – the kind that scares every parent. You both know the details so I will not share more here. I let my friend know that I love him, and how sorry I was for his loss. There was not much I could say. Sometimes the best thing you can do for a friend is to listen.

I reached out to friends and went for a run

I let a few friends know the news so that they can offer support. My friend and his family will need all the love, support, and help they can get. I want to do my part, and others do as well. I laced up my running shoes and headed out the door to process this news. Switchfoot was blasting in my ears. I was a cold, sweaty, teary mess when I was finished. I went for another run this morning. I expect the grieving process will take a long time. I may need to buy a new pair of running shoes this Spring.

I talked with God yesterday about this situation

My morning prayer was much longer than normal. I was confused, angry, sad, and wanted answers. How could a loving God let this happen? I did not get any answers. I did not expect to hear anything. But I did feel better afterward. I remembered that God is in control and no one can snatch his children from his hands. I knew that to be true but definitely needed to be reminded.

My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand.

John 10:27-28

I am here for you in the darkness

I will finish by letting both of you know that I am here for you whenever you experience darkness. Do not hesitate to reach out to me when you need help. I will do everything that I can in my power to get you through the valleys of life.

PS – I am proud of you and love you.

Dad